Creating our next course on open adoption is taking longer than we expected, but I received a good reminder to be patient! We here at Heart of the Matter truly do believe in putting out quality courses that are worth taking! –Katie
I not only had a nice lunch but received a good reminder yesterday!
Mother’s Day can be one of the hardest holidays to get through while waiting to adopt. I remember crying my way through many holidays during the years of infertility and then waiting for my son to come home.
If you are a woman waiting for motherhood, how did you get through the day?
For those of you who waited and are finally mothering, what advice can you give those who are still waiting? What helped you through the hard days?
Love Without Boundaries’ Amy Eldridge has been writing a series on her blog about “Realistic Expectations”. While it is geared toward families adopting from China, many of the issues are common in other countries as well. Today I read her post on toilet training and thought that there were many, many good points for any families adopting internationally! You can find it here: http://www.lwbcommunity.org/realistic-expectations-potty-training
I’d like to highlight a few of the issues she raises that are common to many other countries as well as China.
“Today we would like to continue with the “bathroom” subject, as one of the most common questions asked by parents is whether or not their child-to-be is potty trained. Well…… define potty trained. And if the definition is “Western style toilet trained,” then the answer is probably not…. In orphanages that do use potty chairs or ceramic pots for toilet training, many staff will say that a child is “potty trained” when what they mean is that all the children are lined up on potties several times a day. They might sit there for an hour at a time starting at a very young age, and during that time they happen to “go.” Scheduled potty time in Chinese orphanages is common, but that doesn’t always equate to a toddler being able to tell a new parent when he or she needs to use the bathroom, and so don’t get frustrated when there are accidents.” (underlines are mine)
This practice is certainly not limited to China. For example, it’s the usual for children being adopted from East European countries, India and some African countries as well.
Aside from the short-term issues (like helping a child acclimate to Western style toilets or managing parental expectations) there are sometimes long-term effects as well. In some cases this type of “toilet training” causes the child to fear elimination and toileting. Aside from the obvious signs of fear related to toileting, children will sometimes withhold urine or feces which can lead to physical complications, which in turn can start a cycle of fear, withholding and physical impact that can be hard to break.
Children who have spent time in less than optimal care (like and orphanage) often have a great need to control their environment. And, what better area of life to control than pottying? I mean, no one can truly make a child put their potty in the toilet short of abuse!
Add to these potential issues the fact that children who have spent time in less than optimal care also usually lag behind in one or more areas of development and there is huge potential for potty problems!
So, how do you know if you’re dealing with short term potty training issues or more long-term concerns? That’s a big question and we’ve started to address it in our course Transitions, Developmental Challenges or Just Regular Kid Stuff??? Although this is a recorded course now, it was given in a webinar format a couple of years ago. While many different behaviors were addressed, toilet training was one that was always raised in these live webinars!
Whether potty problems are stemming from fear, uncertainty, transitions, a need to control or a lag in development, special parenting is needed. Traditional toilet training strategies have the potential to backfire in a big way. Parenting that gets at the underlying issue rather than the symptom is called for and discussed at length in Because They Waited and in Discipline: Managing Your Child’s Bid for Power.
You may have already seen that we have a survey out on open adoption. We are most interested in hearing from young adults who grew up in contact with birth family members, but we are struggling to get the survey into their hands.
We wonder if it may be because happy, well-adjusted young adults might not be hanging out in adoption forums and support groups!
Regardless of why, if you know a young adult adoptee, please share this link with them! http://app.fluidsurveys.com/s/openadopt/
Katie and I are deep in work on our newest project, an online course for prospective parents considering an open adoption. As part of our work we have launched a research project to try and capture adult adoptees’ voices. We’re specifically looking for adults 18+ who had some degree of contact with birth family members while growing up. Please share this link with those you know who might want to participate. The participants may remain anonymous. Results will be published on our website and used in our course. The survey takes only a few minutes to complete.
http://app.fluidsurveys.com/s/openadopt/
Which is more powerful, a negative worldview or music? Don’t count music out too fast. Research has long shown that music can have a dramatic impact on body and mind. While I can’t say that music is capable alone of changing a negative worldview, I do know that for my family it makes a big difference for children and parents alike.
One of the effects of a neglectful, abusive, and/or traumatic beginning in life is that it often leaves a child with a darkened 
worldview. We interpret and make sense of our world through our experiences, and when our experiences are largely negative it only makes sense that our view of the world in general would be negative as well.
Parenting a child who looks at the world like the Winnie the Pooh character Eeyore can be frustrating and depressing. It can seem as if no matter what you do your child is still unhappy and gloomy. That’s because worldviews are not changed with motivational speeches, lecturing, nagging, or reminding a child how lucky he or she is. Worldviews do not change instantly just because the child is placed in a better situation. Worldviews are changed slowly and methodically over long periods of time. Only after millions and millions of cycles of need are completed for the child can these new more positive experiences begin to also impact that child’s worldview. Even then, a child’s worldview doesn’t often change dramatically. I think it is more common to see a subtle lightening of a child’s worldview and hopefully a continued lightening over time.
Years ago music became a sanity saver in terms of helping me stay upbeat while battling my oldest child’s sometimes gloomy outlook. I took to singing her rousing choruses of “Oh What a Beautiful Morning” and “Zip- a -Dee- Do -Dah” as we were waking up each morning. These off key silly moments were as much for my sanity and centering as they were for her. But I really do believe now that they also helped to chip away at that Eeyore-like outlook. She is in her 20’s now and when she was home visiting recently she gave me a morning hug and broke into our “Oh What a Beautiful Morning.” song. So if nothing else, it is a fond memory for her.
My two youngest kids are teens now and reminding me indirectly that just being a teenager can weigh heavily on one’s worldview. Sometimes it’s hard to stay positive and upbeat as a teen in our society. So I’ve decided to break out some morning music again. I made a morning play list and this weekend happy wake up music became part the Drew family breakfast again. I do believe over time it will chip away just a bit at those challenging teen worldviews and if nothing else, it will help me to start each day off on the right foot instead of getting sucked into their grumpy.
Thought you might enjoy a peek at my list. I’d love to hear what music inspires your family.
I think this first song started everyday of my oldest child’s first grade year:
My mom and dad used to sing this one to me when I was small and this is the one my daughter most remembers us singing in the mornings:
Good Day Sunshine, Beatles
A Beautiful Morning, The Rascals
Three Little Birds, Bob Marley
Ok I admit it, my kids were kind of rolling their eyes at my breakfast music this weekend UNTIL this one came on and then they burst out laughing!
Because of James Brown I was given a reprieve on eye rolling for John Denver. And I’m sorry but who can’t feel just a little happy listening to this….
More Beatles. You can’t really go wrong there.
Classic….Cat Stevens
Classic ….James Taylor
Feeling Good, Nina Simone
I thought this day was a perfect chance to remind ourselves about the importance of sending messages of unconditional love to our children. In my house we like to say, “Good days, bad days, happy days, sad days, I will always love you.”
Obviously each of us benefits from the security generated when we really know that despite our imperfections we are truly loved. For children who began life in less than optimal care and who waited for a family the message of unconditional love is even more crucial.
Unfortunately, sometimes kids behaviors, especially the behaviors that can stem from trauma, loss, attachment strain, etc. are challenging to manage. It is not uncommon for adoptive parents (and all parents for that matter) to struggle to address negative behaviors while still sending messages of unconditional love. Take the following example for instance.
Mom says, “Bad boy! We don’t throw toys! Go to your room this instant!”
Message received by child: I am bad. Mom wants me to get away from her. I am not lovable.
In order to send messages of unconditional love we have to be very conscious of the language we choose. Let’s tweak the above example just a bit.
Mom says, “Bad choice! Throwing toys is dangerous! I’m going to put this up until you’ve calmed down. Now come and sit by Mom.”
Message received by child: Throwing toys is dangerous. Mom won’t let me throw toys without interceding. Mom helps me when I’m upset. Mom loves me even when I screw up.
Sounds simple but we all know how challenging it can be in the heat of parenting moments to choose the correct words and deliver them with a loving spirit. I personally motivate myself by reminding myself regularly that I’m not doing this just to be nice or just to be positive. I’m doing it because the science tells me that this is the kind of parenting that promotes attachment and nurtures emotional health. One way I remind myself is by continuing to learn and read on the subject. One author that particularly speaks to me on this subject is Gordon Neufeld. He writes,
“Unconditional parental love is the indispensable nutrient for the child’s healthy emotional growth. The first task is to create space in that child’s heart of the certainty that she is precisely the person the parents want and love. She does not have to do anything or be any different to earn that love- in fact, she cannot do anything, since that love cannot be won or lost. It is not conditional. It is just there regardless of which side the child is acting from – ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ The child can be ornery, unpleasant, whiny , uncooperative, and plain rude and the parent still lets her feel loved. Ways have to be found to convey the unacceptability of certain behaviors without making the child herself feel unaccepted. She has to be able to bring her unrest, her least likable characteristics to the parent and still receive the parent’s absolutely satisfying, security –inducing unconditional love.”
Here’s hoping that this Valentine’s Day finds you enjoying the warmth of unconditional love yourself and inspired to keep sending that message to your kiddos.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Did you make a New Year’s resolution having to do with parenting? Or, are you like me… a resolution-avoider? Regardless, I heard a great quote today. Although it was used in the terms of healthy eating, it applies to much more, including parenting. Here it is:
There is a lot to think about in that short little statement, but what first came to my mind was discipline. Many of our courses talk about choosing discipline techniques that make sense in terms of brain development and building skills such as self-control, empathy, cause and effect thinking, ability to let go of control and impulse control. While we get a lot of agreement that yes, pull close parenting types of discipline do manage the child’s behavior while building those skills, we find that for many of us (ourselves included at times!) what we want right now, in that moment, sometimes gets in the way.
Take the example of a younger child who is throwing a temper tantrum. The science of brain development tells us that the ability to regulate one’s emotions is learned through someone else helping keep your emotions regulated. We also know that we have to be present to help the child calm and regulate that mad feeling. And yet, there is still a temptation to do something that makes them stop crying or throwing a fit right now!!! …even if “making it all stop” works against what you really want… a child who will ultimately be able to handle their own angry feelings appropriately.
So, take a moment and ask yourself:
What are my goals for my child?
How do I get there? Do I know how to get there?
What do I need to get there?
Santa as a spy who has an obsession with behavior modification--ick!
I have a bone to pick with Santa. As much as I love the big guy I am really tired of the part of him that is a parent-power-sucking-sponge. The whole naughty or nice thing has several issues (um, are poor kids or kids in orphanages naughty?) But the idea of Santa as a spy who is really into behavior modification has a lot of parents compounding the problem.
Santa must be sick of tattle tales!
For some folks who struggle with discipline, Santa is like a big fat permission slip to be wimpy parents. When we attempt to secure desired behavior through the threat or promise of Santa instead of handling the problem ourselves, in essence we’re saying, “I can’t handle this, maybe you’ll behave for Santa.” Or, sometimes it has the flavor of mom or dad tattletale-ing to Santa as in, “Do you want me to call Santa and tell him what you’re doing?”
The Elf on the Shelf sucks up money out of your wallet AND parental competency.
Shelve the elves!
Bad as all that is, merchandisers have come up with another way to suck up both our money and our parental competency! The Elf on the Shelf. The idea is that you buy a cute little elf to sit somewhere in you house. During the day, he watches the children. At night, he goes to the North Pole to report the children’s behavior to Santa and appears in a different spot the next morning, ready to spy on the children again. In the meantime, parents are able to threaten their children with the elf and the possibility of no presents or an unhappy Santa. Cute, huh?
Santa or the Elf on the Shelf may help bring a little “peace on earth” in the short term, but if parents rely on them during the holidays what happens on December 26th? Not only is that parenting crutch tool gone, but they’ve been busy sending their child messages of incompetency for weeks and may have accidentally dug themselves into a hole that is not easy to get of.
Do you suffer from Santa or elf dependence?
How do you know if there’s a problem? Well, some pretty good indicators are having to repeat directions several times, changing your directions to try to gain compliance, scolding, threatening, giving in or punishments or rewards that just don’t seem to make a lasting impact overall. All this leaves an incredibly exhausted, frustrated and stressed out parent–not to mention a child who is ultimately not happy either.
Take back your parent power!
Fortunately, even if you’ve fallen into a trap where you’ve given your parenting power away to someone else, with some knowledge and a lot of determination you CAN get back to where you need to be. It starts with taking back your parent power and learning how to manage power struggles. One resource is our recorded course Discipline: Managing Your Child’s Bid for Power But, at the very least, forget about using Santa as a means to control a child’s behavior and if you must put the elf on the shelf, just let him sit there and look cute–don’t make him spy for Santa!
Happy National Adoption Month!
My first thought is always about our family’s adoption experience. My son came home from Russia on a VERY cold winter’s night in 1996. He was a teeny, tiny, bald baby with huge blue eyes that seemed to see everything. He was 11 months old and had never been outside an orphanage. Our extended family was there at the airport with signs, balloons and lots of tears of joy. My Grandma Nina loves to tell about the first time she held him. She always talks about how he “snuggled right up” to her neck, remembering it as a sweet, trusting gesture by this tiny baby. I don’t tell her that our family had actually freaked him out and that he was trying to get away as best as he could!!!!
15, almost 16 years later, he is an amazing young man. I don’t talk about him much on this blog or in other aspects of my work because he is a very private person. He is an old soul in a young body. He has an incredible depth of thinking, sensitivity and interests that go beyond his age and is one of the few people who almost ALWAYS allow themselves to truly be their genuine selves. He is often a contradiction–for example, he professes to dislike little kids, but is the kindest, gentlest big brother and older cousin you can imagine. He is brilliant and can literally do anything he wants to do. He is thinking of being a geological engineer but says his “back up plan” is to be a truck driver. (he is only half kidding) He very, very rarely has the typical teenager angst or anger. He CAN, however make a person crazy with his stubbornness! I just bought him a shirt that says “I May Be Wrong… But I Doubt It”.
Long story short, he is amazing and I have no doubt that he will someday fulfill whatever purpose he is meant to. He may change the world in big ways or small ways, but I am absolutely sure that it will be for the better. None of this could or would be possible without international adoption.
We are some of the lucky ones. There are thousands and thousands of children all over the world whose potential may never be reached because they will not have a family. The statistics for children who age out of foster care or orphanage care are grim. Their lives up to that point are sometimes even worse.
I want us all to remember all these little ones. Whether adoptive parents, birth parents or adults who care about children, we owe it to the children who are still waiting for someone to be their own. In particular, I’d like to ask you to remember and say a prayer for a group of children known as the “Bac Lieu 16″ They are not the only children needing our thoughts, prayers and especially ACTIONS., but looking at a tiny cross-section of the bigger problem can help us begin to comprehend the depth, scope and reality of so many children’s existence.
